Hands in a heart shape holding an infinity rainbox. Underneath the words Sandra Bell ND Coach
#10 Radical acceptance – my path to a more peaceful life
  • To me radical acceptance in relation to being neurodivergent is accepting myself and my kids for exactly who we are, despite being “told” that we should be different.
  • Radical acceptance opens up the possibility to figure out what truly works for you and your family with no prior misconceptions clouding the way.
  • I aspire to be at peace not happy and radical acceptance plays a big part.

To me radical acceptance in relation to being neurodivergent is accepting myself and my kids for exactly who we are, despite being “told” that we should be different.

 

 

The radical acceptance concept comes from dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) by Marsha Linehan in the early 1990s. It can be defined more broadly as being able to accept a situation that is outside your control, without any judgement, with the benefit being that negative emotions about the situation are reduced. 

I see the concept of radical acceptance in relation to being neurodivergent as a way to accept myself and my kids for exactly who we are, with the radical part being that I am doing that acceptance in the face of societal pressures to act more neurotypically.

 

Radical acceptance is not giving up and resigning yourself to the fact that what you wanted for yourself or your children won’t happen. Instead it is giving up the expectations that don’t fit with who you are; and truly, radically accepting that who you and your kids are is exactly who you are all meant to be, and you are all worthy and valid just as you are.

Radical acceptance opens up the possibility to figure out what truly works for you and your family with no prior misconceptions clouding the way.

 

When you practice radical acceptance it opens up a world of possibility to explore and work out what truly works for you and your family without putting any expectations on that.

An example from my family is that I used to insist that we all sit down at the dinner table and eat together, I believed that this was an important thing to do for family cohesion. I was able to accept very quickly that my kids needed to not just sit still and eat, that they needed movement and some freedom but I still thought it was of utmost important that we eat together as a family as otherwise we would fracture as a family. Fast forward to today, and it is only my youngest who sits at the dinner table, and he only comes to dinner when he is ready, not when I’ve deemed it is time to eat. I let him know dinner is on the table, but rather than what I would have done in the past of insisting he needed to come to the table right now and set up a power struggle, it actually takes less time to just let him know it is there and that he can come when he is ready. Then my oldest sits in an adjoining room, watching their device but is able to easily interact with us when they choose to.

 

 

I’ve chosen to radically accept this, rather than just resign myself that we can’t eat dinner together and quietly simmer and feel frustrated and worried that we are somehow doing it wrong. Instead we connect as a family in other ways, often in micro engagements not a sustained interaction like sitting down for a whole dinner together would be. And I believe we are all the better for it.

I aspire to be at peace not happy and radical acceptance plays a big part.

 

I long ago gave up an aspiration to be happy, because to me happiness is a fleeting and fickle emotion that is impacted by so many things. Instead I aspire to be at peace, with myself, with my kids, with my husband, with my environment. It is a journey and I am not at peace all the time with any of these, but by giving myself the gift of radically accepting myself, my kids and my situation I am much further on the journey to being at peace than would otherwise be the case.

 

 

What do you radically accept, or want to radically accept? Comment below.

I'm here; I get you; I got you!

 

If you'd like to know when new blog posts go up, or services on offer, you can go to the Contact page and sign up to receive updates.